Thursday, March 19, 2015

One Step At A Time....

March 11th, we celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. Anniversaries mean something to us. As a couple who has been together for almost eleven years, we still celebrate everything. This year was supposed to be different though. He was supposed to going through Chemo on the week of our anniversary and my birthday. We went in for his regular blood work and it came back, once again with low blood count. They had to delay Chemo because if he was to develop an infection, his body would not be able to fight it. His counts were not to low, you're supposed to have 100,000 and Josh was at 70,000. This didn't warrant any concern by his doctor, so we were able to celebrate as planned, just a little frustrated that it was delayed. For our anniversary we went out to dinner with a gift card that was given to us by my parents. Josh took his weed pill and though he ate everything in sight, he also got slap happy high and we had to go home, haha. For my birthday, we went out to Medieval Times, which was fun and he thoroughly enjoyed it. We went back this past Tuesday to re-do his blood work. His red blood cell count came back low, not dangerously low, but they didn't bounce back over the past week. His platelet levels went from being to low to being very high, which they call reactive thrombocytosis which is basically because he has healthy bone marrow that is over correcting for the chemotherapy. They put him on a week worth of baby aspirin that is used to prevent the symptoms of the thrombocytosis. This has put Josh two weeks behind on Chemotherapy, so fingers and toes crossed that we will be able to do cycle four this next Tuesday.

It's frustrating. After reading the email sent to us by his doctor about his current status, I sat in our car and cried. I am helpless. I literally can't do anything to make his levels even out and as someone who has been labeled a control freak, it's hard to accept things I have no control over. Even Josh is annoyed, he's frustrated that he can't get his own levels evened out. It's not something we can control, we know that. But delaying chemo throws our entire month off. We have to shift around appointments. Some appointments can't be moved, so if Chemo happens next week he will be taking his E6 exam in the middle of it. That's life, I guess. Josh has been ordered for a sleep study. Between Chemotherapy, Steroids, and just having a brain tumor, his entire sleep schedule has been out of whack since we arrived here. He did ambien, that did literally NOTHING for him. If I took one, I was out and slept for 10 hours or so. For Josh, he sleeps an hour and is back up for the rest of the night. He tried lunesta, which helps but is a pill you can't take regularly so there are nights when he get's no sleep at all. His doctor explained that it's very common with brain tumors. So we are waiting for the appointment to be made so we can get some more answers.

On to happier and positive news, two things happened this past week. Josh's MRI came back AND he celebrated his six month smoke free anniversary! First off, MRI. He has to do one every time before a chemo session. His MRI came back "normal" as he has no new growth. We were so happy! We realize (and I hope you, my readers, do too) that he will never be tumor free. He will always have this little sucker, but no new growth is good. It's just sitting there, next prayer is for it to start shrinking. As far as the smoking goes, YAY! Josh started smoking in 2009 or so. He is a social smoker, but still needed it at work. He rarely smoked at home, mainly because I can't be around it, also because he rarely needed it. But he was a smoker. By doctors orders he is not considered a non-smoker until six months after quitting, so he's hit that milestone! I do believe that he would take a cigarette right now if it was offered to him, but I think that's everyone who has dealt with an addiction. The even better thing is that he's basically done it cold turkey. He had the gum, only chewed it for a month. He had to stop it because it was making him sick. He switched to the lozenges, hated those. He only did them for a few weeks. He's done the patch, hated that. It was just easier for him to completely quit on his own and not be around those who do smoke. I never thought I would be so proud to say he's a non smoker at doctors appointments, but I am! I am so happy with the changes he made in his life, it makes me a very proud wife.

As far as me, I am still a work in progress. I am changing around therapist now as I couldn't stand the one I have. I do believe that sometimes it's good to shop around for therapist. You shouldn't be afraid to do so. For me, it's all about a comfort level. I have to click with you before I am able to tell you my deepest darkest secrets. I have had two in the past few months. Both of which I didn't click with. One that focused to much on my marriage and making issues that weren't there. And one that focused to much on me emasculating my husband (YES, she said that). I am not looking for a miracle worker. I realize that their job is to help me sort through my problems. But the advice they were offering me was unrealistic for a wife taking care of her husband who has cancer. Her big advice was to go Target by myself. Yes, I am going to leave a seizure prone person in a room by himself so I can go get away for an hour?! Uh no. Her other advice was that my life revolves to much around his cancer. UH EXCUSE ME?! You don't ever tell a mother that her life revolves to much around her child. You don't ever tell a career woman that her life revolves to much around her career. But because my husband has cancer, and I am his main care giver, its wrong that my life revolves to much around him? He is my life. He is my everything. So no, I don't work. I don't go out with friends. I don't go shopping by myself. I can't tell you guys the last time I got my hair cut. My nails are trashed and we won't even go into shaving my legs. Yes, I have let myself go. Before anyone says it, yes I know I have to make time for myself. I have to put my needs in there too and I do. I am merely stating all of this to give everyone an idea. But spend a day in my life where I am constantly caring for another human being and you'll see why. No, he's not in a wheel chair and he doesn't physically depend on me. But I try every day to make sure his days are easy and stress free. So if my house isn't clean. If the dishes aren't done. And if I didn't make it to Target by myself well then that's fine. Because I know my husband is happy. I am happy. And to me that is all that matters!

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