I never cry in front of Josh. Scratch that, I try really really REALLY hard to never cry in front of him. If something upsets me or he says something a little hasty, I usually go into our bathroom or closet and cry it out. I don't know why I do this but it's something I have developed over the past few years. I tend to believe that it's because I don't want to seem weak. I'm supposed to take care of him. He's supposed to rely on me when shit hits the fan. But instead, in this instance, it was him holding me. His mind was racing, probably faster than mine, and yet, he was the strong one. I was ashamed and silently scolded myself over and over the entire drive to Orlando. I am well aware that I am entirely to hard on myself. I get that. But in my situation, I have to be.
Now, what's the treatment option? Well, since we don't know what the growth is, they want to determine it with the biopsy first. If it's a continuation of his already disease, then we can start a new treatment. If not? Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. The new treatment however, would be a pediatric one. They have seen success rates in children with this disease at 70%. That doesn't mean remission, that means stabilization which is what he has been fighting for the past 3 years. It will be a completely different regiment. This one will require us to go to Lake Nona three days straight every month. He will be getting chemo through his port. We haven't made plans yet, but I'm almost certain we will just be staying in Orlando for those three days.
This news took us by surprised and we have taken a few days to sort it all out. When we got home from Orlando, we crawled under a rock destine to shut the world out. We cried and held each other. We were emotional eaters; silently celebrating the fact that we don't have the strict procarbazine diet anymore. We binged watched a few Netflix shows. We were just together. One on one with each other, trying to digest everything we were just given. Luckily my mom threw herself into action and came over to help me clean, cook, and even went grocery shopping. I really hit the lottery with my parents, they are always there when I'm not at my best. We knew this would be coming but we didn't expect it this way. On the plus side, Josh was able to complete 4 rounds, or six months, of chemotherapy. While it's a defeat, we always try to look for the silver lining. He still has options.