Saturday, February 7, 2015

Glimpse into my world

I remember standing in the bus on the tar-mac in Sicily thinking "how did I get here?!" I knew how I got here physically. I had friends that drove me to the airport. They helped me check in and said goodbye to me at security. But in that moment, I couldn't for the life of me center myself long enough to realize what was actually going on. My husband had been medically evacuated the night before. I was running on three hours of sleep within the past four days. I had to leave my house. My dog. My car. My entire life in Sicily and board a plane to Germany to fly home. I had dreamed about flying home for many months prior. I had started packing up my house. I started getting things together for Archie to fly home with us. Then all of a sudden my entire life flipped on it's side and I was left in the middle of it trying to figure out what to do next.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago I was walking to my NMA (non-medical attendant) meeting. Prior to the meeting I had asked Josh to help me take out the trash, it was like four bags and I couldn't carry it all. In the mist of it all, we had a fight. Yes, about garbage. And yes, it was completely stupid, but I was hurt and walked away. I went into the USO for my meeting and saw his Master Chief. Immediately I broke down. I felt so stupid for doing it. I never cry in front of people, it's just something I don't do. I felt overwhelmed, stressed out, and just plain over it. We have an amazing Master Chief that talked me down and sat with Josh while I went into my NMA meeting. Luckily for me, my meeting consisted of only me and two military family counselors, I had hit the jackpot! I cried. I talked. I laughed. I cried some more. It was three hours of a complete emotional roller coaster. When I left, I felt better. I had finally let it all out. I told someone other than my husband and immediate family all that I was going through and all that was bottled up inside. While I was in my meeting, Master Chief had called an emergency therapy appointment for me the following day. I went. 

The therapist explained to me that I am going through the stages of grief. I am grieving the old life I had. I am grieving the life we had planned to have. I am grieving the pregnancy that we were supposed to be experiencing right now. In a matter of an hour she had put my entire life in perspective. I want it to be known that I in no way shape or form blame Josh. This disease is something that literally came out of no where and knocked us both on our ass. There is no guidelines or instruction manual on how you are supposed to deal with this all. Each person grieves in their own way. For me, it's bottling it all up until I complete crack. For Josh, it's humor, he makes light of situation and tries his hardest to be strong for the both of us. I know a lot of people constantly say, "oh you're handling this so well." or "man, you guys are always so positive" but if they all knew the amount of times during the day I break down and cry they would all be surprised. I'm not here for a pity party, I am just here to show that we are in fact human. I am merely indulging you all on a part of my life that I keep very personal. I sat on the fence for awhile on reasoning how much is to much to share. I have come to the conclusion, that I've already shared a lot. Everyone has read our process with freezing the sperm and fertility so that's enough TMI already. Am I going to share every down moment in my life? No. Am I going to mention every time Josh and I have a fight? No. But I do think it needs to be known that we're not living this Leave it to Beaver life style. We fight. We argue. We cry. We laugh. We make up. And we go on with our lives. This has by far be the most trying thing on not only us but our marriage as well. I take every day with great appreciation, for it is one more day that I have with my husband. I fight with him. I yell at him. I regret doing so more often than I used to, but I am only human. I try hard, really hard in fact to make sure his life is as easy as possible. That he doesn't have to worry about the medications or the appointments. Yes, we spend a lot of time at the movie theater and yes, we have seen pretty much every movie currently out right now. But honestly, please, tell me where else can I take a cancer patient?! He enjoys them. I get a break for a few hours. It's a win win. So to all, let me remind you, there is no manual. There is no guidelines. We are literally flying by the seat of our pants and just praying we are doing it right. Do we mess up? Yes. I often worry about that, but we're making the best out of a crappy situation and I'd say we're doing pretty good.

*Side note* If anyone, and I mean ANYONE is feeling depressed, overwhelmed, or just feel the need to talk it out with someone, please don't be afraid to ask for help. I wasn't to proud to ask for it, I just assumed that I was doing okay and that I didn't need it. Once I started talking, I literally had word vomit and I couldn't stop. It's so freeing to finally be able to tell someone something that you have kept bottled up inside. So please, don't be afraid to ask for help when help is needed! 

On to a more relevant topic, Josh has been delayed Chemotherapy by a week. He had blood work done on Tuesday that reveled his blood cell count was low. It could be caused by an infection or just the chemotherapy itself. We decided to wait a week and redo his blood work. For now we are planning a chemo friendly Valentines day dinner consisting on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and movie night in bed :)

1 comment:

  1. Well that's why you need to write a book. As one who has experienced WRNMMCB first hand I really feel for you. If you ever need a shoulder or a punching bag please call. Nobody can relate to your experience without you telling us. Love you both...