Monday, April 9, 2018

Not 'till we are lost / do we begin to find ourselves

It's been one month since we said our final goodbyes. Everyday I can slowly feel my heart mending itself. However, I don't think my heart will ever be whole again, he took so much of it when he left. I would like to say that I am adjusting well. Often times you see widows depicted in movies as these fragile broken people. Months ago I tried to picture myself in this exact situation. Would I lay in bed all day and cry? Would I surround myself with junk food and binge watch Netflix? Would I cry at the mention of his name? Would I be able to get up and function through life? Would I ever leave the house? Would showering even be a thing?

It should break you. Losing a spouse should destroy you. It should go down to the deepest part of your core and rip apart every ounce of what made you who you are.  While I do feel like the world was flipped upside down and a rug was ripped out from under me, I also realize that I am more resilient than I give myself credit for. The truth is, you'll never know how you'll react until you are actually going through it. I'm almost certain that if it had been a car accident or something that just ripped him from my life, I would clearly react differently. I probably would be that woman constantly falling to the floor with tears rushing down my face. That is something I don't think I could stomach. The difference is that we had three years to prepare. I was able to approach the grieving process with a clear head. I was able to take my time. Even though at the time, I really didn't know I was going through it, I'm grateful I did. I feel like subconsciously I prepared myself. But back to my point, it's been one month. One interesting, hectic and soul searching month. In that time I have learned how to sleep alone, how to cook dinner for one, and that I am pretty self reliant and can fix things (with the help of YouTube haha). I have found myself laughing more than crying. I am finding time to mend friendships that fizzled out because of all of this and I have even found time to make new friends. I am practicing self care; I take myself out to dinner, treat myself to new clothes, and even splurge on things I used to find a waste of money. I find myself taking chances, putting myself out there, and doing things I would never do. I am finding myself.

A really good friend of mine roughly pointed out that Josh passed away, I didn't. Those words were hard to digest but he was right. I will always carry a piece of Josh with me and I will always honor and respect my husband. However, I was also so wrapped in being a wife, being a caregiver, and simply being Josh's girl, that I lost sight of who I was. From age 14 that's all I've ever been, all I've ever known. Sure, I had my own hobbies. I was my own person. But there was no Jenna without Josh. The past three years I was so invested in being the perfect wife and the perfect caregiver that I went above and beyond so often that I lost sight of who I was.  I stressed myself to be the perfect everything, that it weighed on me so much like a ton of brick. Often times, I would have mental breakdowns and Josh, even though he was fighting cancer, would always be there to pick me up. Losing sight of who you are is a common occurrence when you are married and I think it's something that just naturally happens over time. However, my situation is different. Typically in a marriage when you lose sight of yourself, you rely on your partner to help you regain your sense of self. For once in my life, I'm on my own. Its scary, it's intimidating. But the one thing I've realized is that no one has life figured out. As cliche as that sounds, everyone is all trying to figure it out for themselves. Most people have a firm grasp, but even they doubt their abilities and who they are.

I have always been the type of person so wrapped up in what other people thought of them. Not to the point where other people's opinions really influenced my life, but it was always something that stuck in the back of my mind. What will so and so think of my choice? Will it impact how they think of me as a person? I always put so much emphasis on the other person. It's something I have always struggled with. Josh? He could care less. He made his own choices, didn't care what other people thought. I always looked to him for guidance. Josh knew me better than anyone else in this world, and often better than I knew myself. I find myself playing over his voice in my head. When I get myself into situations where decisions need to be made, I hear his voice. When my anxiety gets the best of me, and I feel trapped in a situation, I always hear him say "quit your bitchin, it could always be worse. You could be getting shot at" That was his favorite thing to say, it could always be worse. That grounds me and I realize me freaking out over something so stupid, could always be worse. So I quit my bitching, and handle it like a boss.

So what does this all mean? Is this just a blog about me bitching about finding myself? Well, yeah, it is. At this point in my life, I am unsure of what I want. At 29, I'm still trying to figure out who I want to be when I grow up. I have been forced to look at my problems I have been avoiding and make a decision. I'm trying to not take life so seriously. My therapist kindly pointed out to me that nothing is set in stone. I can't plan for everything. Life will throw me curve balls when I least expect it, case and point, losing my husband at 28. But I don't want that to define me. I want it to empower me. To allow me to be the guidance for others going through this situation. Often times I have a hard time allowing people into my world. I have always been a "keep your circle small" kind of girl. I never allow people in. I can probably count on one hand those who know my deepest darkest secrets. I'm trying to be more open, to allow people in. It's hard and is definitely pushing me out of my comfort zone. I never want to be a burden for someone. My problems are not cut and dry and they are not easy to offer comfort or advice on. But what I am realizing is that so often I am the person that people run to for their problems. I'm always the advice giver. Lately I have been able to find a few people that allow me to be my completely raw self, they help me through things, and the never complain when I talk about the same thing over and over. I can message them at 2am when the ugly crying has started and they talk me through it. I can speak freely about Josh, what he meant to me, what my feelings are now that he is gone. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone. People are investing in me just as I have over the years.

I'm in a good place. I often have the moments where crying comes out of nowhere but I am also learning how to deal with that. I have become more open to embracing my emotions rather than burying them or avoiding them. If I feel a cry coming on, I put on emotional music and get through it. If I feel happy, I put on some uplifting music (reggae helps, you can't be sad listening to that!) and dance around the house. If I'm lonely, I call up friends to hang out. I am back to making my own choices, instead of them being made for me. Though I would trade it all to have him back, I'm also learning how to live again.




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