Finding my silver lining

I truly believe that Josh knew he was going to die the day he was diagnosed. He had always been like that. He never saw the big picture, it was always then and now. And in that exact moment, they told him he had cancer. All he thought was cancer equals death. He didn't know when, he didn't know how, but he knew he was going to die. One of the biggest thing you should know about Josh is that he loved me and he loved me hard. I could never do anything wrong. If I broke his heart or hurt his feelings, he always had such a fast rebound rate. I, however, was the exact opposite. If he hurt me, I held it over him for days, weeks, or even months. But he was just amazing like that. He always had the purest heart. So the day he was diagnosed, I'm almost certain he was destined to give up. And I know for a fact had I not been there, he definitely would have. Deep in my soul I know that it wasn't the treatments keeping him alive for three years. It wasn't the medication. It wasn't the doctors. It wasn't anything except for the pure, unconditional love he had for me. He fought every day for me. I know this because he told me every single day he didn't know where he would be without me. I was truly his reason to live.

Because of all of this, losing him has been very hard on me. I have always been a pretty open person when it comes to my life and daily struggles. I have kept this blog as a open insight into everything we experienced through out his journey with cancer. Often times I felt compelled to be brutally honest. However, since his passing, I have become more and more reclusive. Aside from the blog or a random post on facebook, you will rarely see me mention publically my daily struggles with grief, anxiety, or depression. However, if you spend time with me, it is blatantly clear I am struggling. I tend to pick and chose who I show my grief to. About 90% of the time you will see me laughing, joking, and living my day to day life. I have coped well and on the outside, it seems I have my shit together. But because of this grieving tactic, I have received backlash for not "grieving properly." Some people couldn't understand how I was not completely devastated every moment of every single day. Now, I will say this, there are a few select people that completely get it. They are mourning in their own way and allowing me to do the same. But I was made to feel ashamed with how I was coping over the death, when in all actuality no two people grieve the same. I put my life into caring for him, I went above and beyond for him. I realize it was a difficult time for all, but I stepped up and stepped in when no one else would. I cleaned up vomit, diarrhea, blood. I helped him shower, I shaved his face, I gave him pedicures (he would kill me if he knew I said that, haha) and I dressed him. Towards the end, he couldn't walk very well. I carried him. I lifted him. I held his hand as he laid on the floor collecting himself from the fall he had just taken. Day in and day out, I was there. I earned the right to grieve anyway I damn well pleased. And I will be the first to admit it, I did feel this overwhelming sense of peace when he passed. It was almost like I was holding my breath for three years and when he took his last one, I too, finally released mine. It's an odd feeling, to sit there and feel at peace that your husband has passed and I often questioned "did I actually love him? Because I shouldn't be feeling this way if I did." The answer was always of course I did. I loved him so hard and so deeply that I was relieved he was no longer in pain.

My grief comes and goes in it's own way. My mood and emotions have been all over the place. While a lot of that has to do with grief, it's primarily what I had posted on facebook last week. As most of you know, I posted on facebook that I was 14 weeks pregnant. I received so much love and support because so many people just understood. It wasn't this big dramatic spectacle that was meant to hurt anyone. It was and still is a very important exciting time in my life and I wanted to share it with everyone. Understandably so, many people thought that it was Josh's baby. Many people knew that we had banked sperm at the start of his chemotherapy in Maryland. However, when he was diagnosed in October, he made me promise to destroy the sperm. He didn't want me using it because he didn't want me to have to witness my child potentially go through the same thing he did. It didn't matter that the cancer wasn't hereditary, he also carried Crohn's disease and that was enough for him to not want to pass along to his child. When he went into hospice, I had to get his affairs in order. I don't remember the date, but I know it was a Wednesday. In that day, I signed a Do Not Resuscitate order, I signed the paperwork for his funeral, I picked out his casket, and I signed the paperwork to have his sperm destroyed. It was hands down one of the worst days of my life. I knew that this was exactly what he wanted, but it broke my heart. I would never have a child by this man. Long after he passed away, I wouldn't be able to look at my child's face and see their father. I wouldn't get comfort in knowing that a part of him lived on. It destroyed me.

While I was supposed to destroy his sperm, I was also made to promise him that by the end of 2018, I would be pregnant. He wanted me to be a mom so bad as he knew it was something I really wanted. I hate to say it but literally weeks after he passed, I started looking into sperm banks. I was determined to do all of this on my own. You don't need a man (aside from the baby making process) to have a child. I was willing to spend as much as I needed to in order to get pregnant. I had found a few clinics and had started getting information on what steps I needed to take to start the whole process. This was the plan. I was going to go to a sperm bank, get inseminated with some random sperm and have a baby. In the midst of all of this, I had started casually dating. I mentioned this in my last blog so if you didn't read it, surprise, I'm human and required human interaction. The first guy I met, I immediately clicked with. While I won't go into detail about him and who he is, all you need to know is that Josh and him would have gotten along SO well it's kinda freaky. It was never the plan to get pregnant by him, but life just happens to work out like that. He's stuck by my side since and has been so great in taking care of me. I really couldn't have picked a better guy. A lot of people had a tough time with the timeline of this pregnancy. If you do the math, it seems way to soon after Josh's passing to throw myself into all of this. While I agree, I also have to point out that there is no right time to have a baby. I waited YEARS for the right time to come and it never came with Josh. So I did take matters into my own hands, pulled the trigger, and made a huge choice just a month or so after his passing. My grief for Josh is currently under control and it's something that will stick with me ten, fifteen, twenty years from now. It's something that will never go away. However, I know Josh is watching down on me, proud that I finally did something for myself and he's happy in knowing that I am happy. Because sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.