He took it pretty easy for the rest of the day. I should have followed my rule, 3 in 24hrs, but I didn't. He was exhausted and just wanted to sleep, so I let him do that. He woke up around 4pm that day and came out to the living room to watch TV with me. We were watching a show and while I was laughing at it, I looked over at him and his thumb was in a continuous loop on his phone and he was completely checked out...seizure number 4 had just happened. He fought so hard, but I ultimately dragged him to the hospital just to get checked out. We went to Holmes because they have a neuro surgeon on call in case he had a brain bleed. Surprisingly we got right into the ER and Josh was admitted within 30 minutes. They wanted to run a bunch of tests (x-ray, ct scan, blood work) and wanted to rule out a bunch of causes. All while this was happening, I held my tongue because I knew what was causing the seizures, it's the tumor. Even though I knew this, I also knew that four seizures in one day is not normal and I wanted to be in place that I knew could help him if more were to come about. While waiting for the results to come back, Josh had yet again, another seizure. After this one, the nurse gave him some Lorazepam and he passed out from complete exhaustion. Since then, he has had one or two seizures, nothing to crazy and definitely not in the same day. Five seizures in one day isn't his record, but it's pretty close.
Often there are times where I have to put the wife hat away and put on the caregiver hat. This is one that I really don't like. As his wife, I want to respect him and his decisions he makes. As his caregiver, I have to put my foot down and force him to do something he doesn't want to. It breaks my heart every time. While I was getting him dressed and dragging him to the car to take him to the hospital, he was being very spiteful. In the mess of it all, I'm sure he said he hated me. I took five seconds in the closet and balled my eyes out. It was a mixture of what he was saying to me and the fear I had about the entire situation. I finally composed my self, wiped my tears away and walked to the car. During the car ride he apologized a million times over and he helped heal my broken heart. It's difficult at times, separating the two roles I play. We often forget what it feels like to be married. We often forget that we are husband and wife, not just patient and caregiver. It's those moments where we forget that I hate this cancer so much. But it's often in those moments that I am reminded of the sweet, loving, caring man I married and I am grateful for everything I have in that moment.
On a completely unrelated note, I'm sure many of you have noticed Josh's unusual poses in these pictures. What started out as just a joke, has become something he's done in every picture dealing with cancer. While it's offensive to some, to us it is so much more. It's crude, yes, but have you met my husband?! He swears like a sailor and has the dirty mind of a teenager. It's also a huge eff you to cancer. While we were doing Josh's dream day offered by Living the Dream, we were introduced to the company Fxck Cancer. If you haven't yet, check them out. I'll leave a link right here. Their motto is "We are sorry if you are offended or have a problem with the word fxck. We are offended and have a problem with the word cancer." It was in big letters on a banner above their booth. It was a great quote and an even better motto. Josh has taken that and put that in the pictures I take of him doing cancer related stuff. It's not to offend anyone, it's humorous and it's a way for Josh to give a big eff you to this disease.