Looking Back...

The month of September never held any significant value to me. Aside from the few birthdays celebrated in this month, I never really paid much attention to it. I looked forward to it as it eased into my favorite season, fall. But now September holds value. It signifies life changes, struggle, love, hatred, and celebration all in one month.It's been one year since we moved to Maryland. It's been one year since Josh had brain surgery. It's been one year since Josh quit smoking. It's been one year since Josh was diagnosed.

It's been one year.

I don't think that you should celebrate a diagnosis. The day that forever changed our lives shouldn't be honored. I didn't even realized I missed it until I wrote the date the next day. While I hate that day, it has showed us so much this past year.


It showed me how strong I can be.
It showed me how loved I am.
It showed me how much love I have for him.
It showed me how strong we are.
It showed me to stop worrying about stupid things and to live in the moment.
It showed me that money isn't everything, memories are..so go ahead and blow $300 on hockey tickets...the memories are worth it.
It showed me that despite my weak stomach, I can pack gauze into a golf ball size hole in my husband.
It showed me that chemotherapy is a cold, heartless bitch. It takes a person with so much life and joy, down to nothing.
It shows me that life is worth living.

So yes, we have been through a lot. A lot more than anyone our age should go through. But we are also grateful for this..in some strange way. I am proud of how strong our marriage is. I am in awe of my husbands strength, courage, and commitment to making it through everyday with a smile on his face. Although we have lost some friends on this journey, I am glad for everyone who has stuck around and for those who call or text me to check in on things. To our families, thank you. We wouldn't have made it through this year without the constant cheering and supporting.

A lot of things are changing within the next year or so. I know from our past year that we can handle anything life throws at us. I won't say bring it, because to me that seems like you're just asking for it. But I know deep down that, whatever happens, we are prepared. We will make it through this.

A Little More

I am trying more to be committed to doing this. I don't want to force myself to write, it isn't a job. It's not as if people are waiting on the edge of their seats to see what I will post next. I never wanted to make this something I dread doing. I love writing. I love allowing people to see into our world. So if I don't post for awhile, it usually means one of two things. One being that what ever is happening doesn't seem note worthy. Or, that I really just don't want to write. I have noticed in the past few weeks that Josh and I often go through a roller coaster of emotions. There are days, weeks, or even months when we are the active, fun, easy going couple that is down for anything. Then there are a days when we want nothing more than to just shut the world out and spend days in our apartment. I know it's not healthy, which is why by the third or fourth day I force ourselves to go out and do something. This month it seems to be our down month. We have locked ourselves in the apartment more often than usual, but we did bust out for a few things. I think cancer aside, we often get to busy with our lives that we forget about the little things. There are some days when we do nothing more than lay in bed together and just hold each other. There are times when we binge watch an entire show in a week, only going out for food or appointments. Yes, to some people that isn't healthy. But for us it works because we have never been able to do just that. To just sit in silence. To just hold each other. To just make our own little nest of blankets and pillows in bed and watch an entire season of our favorite show. It's nice that we have the ability to do it now, so for now, I'm allowing it. I'm appreciating it.


First off, Chemo was delayed a week by our doing. I have been overwhelmed with keeping everything straight I delayed Chemo without knowing it. In my defense, no one from his oncology team called to tell us this so we just rolled with it. There is room to wiggle when it comes to chemo. The rule is that he is off for four weeks before starting the new cycle. Since we have delayed so many times, I can honestly say I have no idea what the original track for chemo is, haha. But we were okay with the delay, it offered me a week of seeing my old husband, which was nice. Chemotherapy has become so routine for us. We have it down to a science though Josh likes to push the limits every now and again, lol. We, once again, decided to go to a concert in the middle of chemo. I swear I try to plan around it, but for some reason it always lands that way. Anyways, we went to see Machine Gun Kelly while Josh was on chemotherapy! Concert was amazing, as I thought it would be. Being that we only go see rock concerts, it was a different atmosphere at a rap concert. However, it was hands down the second best concert I have ever been to! Josh didn't get hit on this time (last two concert he had) but he did get asked if he had any "coke...or like any other drugs.." I told him he should have told her he was an undercover cop, that would have made for a good night, haha. My husband, who was wearing a Batman shirt and dad shorts was assumed to be a drug dealer! The only good thing he had on him was chemotherapy and if she wanted that, she was either desperate or stupid.

Another high light from August was that Josh celebrated his 9 year anniversary in the Navy! Many people don't know the story behind Josh joining...well here it goes! At 19 years old, Josh was eager to get out of our hometown (like most people) and was willing to do anything. I remember him telling me he was going to join the Marines because and I quote "they were the most likely to take him." Now, my memory is fuzzy, but I can recall a huge fight over this. Keep in mind I was only 17, young and in love. Luckily his dad stopped him from joining, but still determined to leave, he decided on joining the Navy instead. In our minds, we were convinced he would never have to go to the desert being on a ship and all. Boy were we wrong about that! But anyways, back to the story. I can remember him riding his bike over to my house to tell me that he had enlisted into the Navy. I was furious, and I think, being 17 young and stupid that we actually broke up over this. He never told me that he was going to join. Memory is hazy, and yes, he will probably deny this but I can't remember us discussing this. Our first year in the Navy was as bumpy as can be. We broke up so many times, I missed his boot camp graduation, we dated other people. But, ultimately we got back together and became the couple we are today. He never ended up on a ship, but the time he has spent in the Navy has made me extremely proud of him and all that he has accomplished. We have grown over the past nine years, individually and together. Nine years...three deployments, countless training, three duty stations later and now they are saving his life.

**Also, happy 11 months smoke free! I'm super proud of that too!**

Last August highlight was our Nationals game! As Josh is a wounded warrior, we are often offered to do so many different things. This time we signed up to get free tickets to a Nationals game. Both of us grew up going to baseball games, so it was another professional sporting event to check off of our list. We not only got free tickets, but they were suite tickets, score! We were able to go to the Presidents Club, which is for the elite, where it was a buffet of all different types of food. Once lunch was over, we were to go to our seats that were located RIGHT BEHIND HOME PLATE. Holy smokes, we were so close we could hear the players talking! However, being behind home plate, the ball tends to come in your direction more often than I thought. Luckily there was a huge net in front of us, but that didn't stop us from flinching every time the ball came in our direction, lol. It was a great way to spend Sunday afternoon

July...

I haven't posted in a very long time. I would say it's writers block but as I am not a writer nor am I mentally blocked, I really have no excuse. Instead I would go with the fact that I really have nothing to write about. Day in and day out my life revolves around this disease. There are moments, days even, when I want nothing more than to think about something else. That, however, is not my reality. My life revolves around medication, doctor visits, puke patrol, chemotherapy, and making my husband's life as easy as possible. I am trying to change content of this blog, add more happy stories, talk about our trips, and try to not make the disease my main focus. But everything in my life reverts back to cancer. Every month we do chemotherapy. Every month my husband has been making it through it with flying colors, only dealing with minor moments of nausea. I try to reinvent every blog every post, to make it interesting and to add humor as much as possible. More often than not it's hard for me to put our month into words. Sometimes it's a great month, sometimes it's a very boring normal month. I try to make it as interesting as I can, to trying new things and change it up. But the bottom line is that this blog is for myself. I created it with the sole intention of updating people on our lives and for giving myself an outlet to deal with the life I have been given. I shared this with Josh, who in his ever supporting manner told me that I shouldn't worry about keeping people interested. I shouldn't care if one person reads this or if twenty people read this. It's about keeping myself centered and for allowing people into our lives. With that being said, I will update all on our lives!

June 14th was my last update and as it is almost the end of July, I have one word to say- yikes!

July 4th was spent at the White House. Yes, we had the most American Fourth, haha. Because Josh is a wounded warrior, we were invited to attend a barbecue and fire works. The actual day kind of sucked, it rained all morning so I knew no matter what was going to happen, the ground itself was going to be muddy. I was no where near prepared for how muddy it actually was, but that's not as interesting as the actual visit itself, lol. Since it rained all morning, they canceled the barbecue which was a real bummer. We arrived about an hour late due to traffic and issues beyond our control. The White House really did have a nice set up. The event was sponsored by the USO so they had face painting booths for the kids, a photo booth and a concert stage. We really didn't know about anything that was going on prior to the event. We actually got to see Bruno Mars perform, neither one of us are fans but he actually puts on a really good show. He is definitely one of those artists that sounds exactly the same on an album vs. in real life. We were also then told that the President had not made appearances in the past years so it was doubtful he would be making it this year. Well, after Bruno preformed, he introduced the President and First Lady! Regardless of how you feel about him, how many you can say they were standing in the same room as the President?! After his speech, they started the fire works. Though our fourth wasn't the perfect day, plans changed and by the end of the day both of us were annoyed with everything, looking back on it now, it was a great day. I love being so close to DC that we are able to experience these things. Josh being a Wounded Warrior definitely opens a lot of doors for us and allows us to meet extraordinary people and do amazing things. I am grateful for this.

It seems as if our month of July was incredibly busy and incredibly chill at the same time. I feel like we did so much, but at the same time we had a lot of down time. Aside from Chemo, we rarely had any appointments. This of course makes us stir crazy, so to fill the time, we took a random trip down to Norfolk. Spontaneous trips have become our new norm. As crazy as it sounds, I don't worry about money. If there is something we want to do, somewhere we want to go to, something we want to see, we do it. It was a Thursday when I found out there was a Norfolk Aquarium. We packed the car up Saturday and spent the weekend down there. Never in my life have I have been this spontaneous but I figure aside from making our appointments and keeping his health in check, this is the third most important thing, experiencing life. So we spent the weekend in Norfolk, catching up with one of our best friends, and then going to the aquarium. It was actually a cute little aquarium and since we were there when it first opened in the morning, we were able to go through all exhibits and see the animals active.   

And last, but not least my parents came to visit! My brother moved to Virginia for work so my mom tagged along with them then half way through the week my Dad arrived. It was nice to have them both here, it was nice getting a break from life. 

Birthday...Surgery..and everything in between

 We try, very hard actually, to keep our lives private. We have never been ones to openly share our life trials and tribulations with everyone. Since Josh's diagnosis though, we have decided to be open with people and to make our lives an open book. If anyone has questions about cancer, we answer them. If anyone has questions about chemotherapy, radiation, how to treat nausea, how to get your patient to eat, the nitty gritty details of our "new normal," we answer them.  I really struggled with this. How much was to much? How would people react to certain things I tell them? Most people, I hope, know us and know the kind of people we are. But, people judge. Every person is different. Every experience is different. There is no manual on how to feel, act, or handle situations. What we do, say, or think is completely different than the next patient. We don't try the new latest and greatest cancer treatments. We stick to what our doctor tells us and go about our business. We try everyday to make the right decisions for ourselves and each other. I try to paint a picture of what we are going through. To not sugar coat things and to really tell how it is. I try to make people aware of the different things we go through on a daily basis. But in this forth coming way, I still try to keep private things, well, private.  So I struggle and I don't over share, I only give the bare minimum. If people ask, I will tell, but otherwise I keep it to myself. My husband however, is a walking open book. Nothing is off the table with him, especially now more than ever. If any follow me on facebook, you will know that Josh had surgery last Tuesday. I haven't said anything about it and I thank all of you for kindly respecting us by not asking. But, I figured the blog is the best place to lay it all out.

For the past six years Josh has been dealing with pilonidal cyst. If you don't know what it is, and can bare nasty photos, look it up on Google. If not just know that it's basically an abnormal skin growth that contains hair and skin which is located on the tailbone. It is very common with people in the military and those lucky men who are basically as hairy as a gorilla. My husband, is both. He has had five different surgeries over the past six years, the last one being in 2010 while on deployment in Spain. The way to treat it is to cut it and then pack it with a wound vac for a month or so. My husband is a veteran in this, he's done all the surgeries alone, without me there to care for him. I'm glad he's been through it, but it was a little nerve wrecking for me doing it alone with him. About three months ago this lovely cyst decided to show it's ugly head. I was surprised, and annoyed, that along with all the million of other things Josh is dealing with at the moment, this stupid thing decided it was the perfect time to come back. My husband being who he is, has taken this all like a champ. He's been in pain, he's dealt with bleeding, and he's been insanely uncomfortable at times so,  we had to get it dealt with. We showed it to his primary care doctor who then referred us to General Surgery. We had an appointment on June 4th, his surgery was that following Tuesday. We had a small window to get this surgery done. He had to have it done after his last session of chemo and healing up before his next session. In order to do this, they had to act fast and since Josh is on chemotherapy they have to be extra careful as he is a bleed risk. 

Being that we live at a hospital, I have overcome my 
fears of them and I actually was pretty good that day. Josh of course was joking around. He made it through with flying colors. I met him in Post OP where the nurse told me he woke up after anesthesia, looked at her confused and said "You're not my wife!" haha. I brought him home, he popped some pain killers and went to sleep. The next day I was strong, confident and cool in caring for him UNTIL I had to change his dressing. The day prior, the nurse went step by step with me on how to do this and I was good. I could do it without a problem. I always tell myself, I'm all he's got so I have to do it. But this? This was different. This was something I couldn't do. I'll be frank, the wound is nice. They did an amazing job. But, it's literally a hole in him. I couldn't get over that. Teaching in the past years I have been thrown up on, pee'd on, and pooped on, but this? No way. I have a brand new respect for anyone that has to take care of these things...and the medical field in general. So we walked to the hospital, desperate for someone to pack his wound. We went to General Surgery and Josh was able to get a temporary wound vac attached to him. No more packing changes for me! YAY! So he's had a temporary vac since Wednesday. He had it changed out on Friday, but we are still waiting for the more permanent one to come. This surgery has been very well. Josh is in minimal pain, though it is hard for him to walk long periods of time and to comfortably sit down. Fingers crossed, this surgery is going to last him a while and silly 'ole cyst stays away!

Well...what else happened this month...hmm...OH! My lovely husband turned 28! We have drastically changed since last year. I remember bits and pieces of his party as we both were incredibly intoxicated. We had spent the day at the beach and then threw at party with around 20 people at our house later that night. We were always known as the "party house." People were constantly at our house and we were known for always having a good time. This year however, was different. Neither one of us had a drink. We didn't have a wild party. Instead we went to Gettysburg. Pennsylvania and drove around learning about the civil war! So wild, haha. It was nice though. It was rainy and cold, but we were determined to have a good time. We were able to drive around and do an audio tour which allowed us to get out and take pictures when we wanted. Josh was able to experience it all without getting completely exhausted from it. So it was educational and some might say it was a boring way to spend your 28th birthday but he loved it. He loves history and is a very good (and patient) teacher on telling me random facts and stories from the war. After driving around Gettysburg park (the tour was supposed to be 90 minutes...ours went on for about 4 hours!) we decided to try local restaurant and then end the day with some ice cream from Dairy Queen. Driving home we reflected on our day, comparing it to the days in the past where we would have planned this elaborate party and drink until we were extremely drunk. This year, it was different. Dare I say, we have grown up?! We still love to have fun. We still love to have people over, play games, and drink. But driving home that day, my husband looked over at me and said "Thank you, I had the best day" made all those partying days a distant memory. 

Florida Livin'

Surprise! Well, okay, it's no longer a surprise as we have already gone to Florida and came back but it was a surprise to both of our Mom's for Mothers Day! A week prior, yes, A WEEK prior, Josh and I decided to make a spontaneous trip town to Florida for a week of leave. Since it was the weekend of Mother's Day, we thought it would be awesome to surprise our moms. I have never been in the position to do it, but Josh has done his fair share of surprise homecomings. We left Maryland on Friday, flew into Orlando and rented a car down to Palm Bay. The only people who knew we were going home was my brother and sister-in-law (thanks guys for keeping the secret!) so we were extremely anxious the entire flight. We decided to surprise my mom at work. We told her that she was having her Mother's Day gift delivered. We walked in and she was completely stunned. Once she realized that I was actually there, she started bawling! It was a complete success! We then drove to his parents house and had another successful surprise from his mom. She was completely speechless, haha. I am happy we were able to pull of the surpise, it was incredibly hard lying to my parents, especially when they call every day to check in on us. But I love being home. We grew up in the same town, so it's definitely home to the both of us. A lot of people hate it. A lot of people can't wait to get out. Back in high school both of us couldn't wait to leave. Josh joined the Navy at 19 so he could leave. I stayed behind, did college and once that was over, I was ready to leave. But I'll tell you from first hand experience, nothing beats being home when you've been away from it for so long. Nothing beats being back in the house you grew up in, especially when you're parents haven't changed a single thing about the room you grew up in. There is a sense of comfort, being surrounded by your personal things and the memories made in there. The house I grew up in is literally the only place in the world that I feel completely at ease in. It's comforting knowing my Mom is right down the hall. I don't care how old I get, I will always need my mom.

It's nice to be able to cuddle with my dog, who has adjusted well living with his

grandparents, lol. Lucky for us, the house was empty this time home. It was just my mom, Josh, and I until my Dad came home that Wednesday. It was nice and relaxing. We had no plans. No places to go. No doctors. No appointments. No Chemotherapy. Nothing. We went to the beach when we wanted. We went fishing when we wanted. We were able to spend time with people we haven't seen in so long. I was able to get a break from care-giving by leaving Josh with his parents so I could treat my mom and other mother, Dawn to manicures and pedicures for Mothers Day.  I was even able to let loose and have a drink at dinner, which is something I haven't been able to do in a VERY long time! My sensitive, pale, northerner skin got really burnt by the Florida sun, but it was another reason that reminded me why I love being home. Being home reconfirmed our decision to move back after our time in Maryland is done. We even drove around a couple times to look at houses! I am excited for what our future holds!

 

Coming back home on Thursday threw us back into reality. We had to get back to the appointments. To the doctors. To the Chemotherapy. To the reality that we are still in the process of fighting this cancer. Yesterday we spent the entire day in the hospital, we had back to back to back appointments. It started with us meeting our new Primary Care Doctor. He's the guy we go to for general things and we were there to have them look at a few growths Josh has developed on his inner thighs. With chemotherapy, you have to be extremely careful. Any new symptoms, any new growths on his body, anything new it HAS to be shown to someone. He suggested we show it to Josh's oncologist, which is the next appointment we were going to. While here, we found out Josh's MRI came back normal! No new growth and the tumor is stable. His blood work came back low though, so for this week Chemotherapy is on hold. I am no longer surprised when our "schedule" is no longer a schedule. Chemotherapy for him can be moved around and it can be delayed so he doesn't always line up with the previous date from the last month. I assume as long as he gets his dose for the month, he will be okay. The oncologist assured us that the blood work being low isn't a result of something we are doing. It's normal, affects of the chemotherapy. So we will retest next week and hopefully he will be cleared to take it. We then went to Dermatology afterwards and they basically stated that the growths between his legs are an infection within the hair follicles. FUN! We now have to apply medicated body wash to his entire body and let it sit for a few minutes every day for the next three months. I swear, it's always something! In happy news, Josh is 8 months smoke free. I am so happy for him and proud that he has made such a huge commitment to it. He is almost to the point now where being around smokers disgust him, haha. That is something I never thought I would hear him say!

To end this blog, I figured I would share that today marks our 11 year togetherversary! I know many people think it's stupid to celebrate our "dating" anniversary considering we're married now but HELLO 11 years is something to celebrate! Especially since we started dating in high school, haha. I am lucky everyday to say that I married my prom date. Here are some pictures of young Josh and Jenna!

My husband still has "it"

There are many moments that will forever be held in my heart. 

The moment Josh asked me to be his girlfriend. 

The moment that I fell in love with him and knew I was going to marry him. 

The moment he asked me to be his wife in the backyard of my parents house. 

The moment when I became his wife in front of our friends and family on the cruise ship. 

The moment we got Archie. 

The moment Josh was diagnosed.  

And now, the moment I witnessed my husband getting hit on for the first time!

After finishing his March chemo session with flying colors, we were anxious for what April held. We had gone a little crazy and bought concert tickets for two different shows, two weeks apart. We are ambitious (or stupid) about making our life seem normal. When we were in Italy, we vowed each other that if a concert came up we both wanted to go to (or if we wanted to drag the other to), we would buy tickets and go. We love concerts, I dance around and sing at the top of my lungs and Josh acts like he doesn't know me. It's a great experience for us both. We asked his Neuro Oncologist and he said it was okay as long as I kept Josh out of the mosh pit (uh duh) and that if there were a ton of lights, Josh looked away. Easy peasy. Our first concert back in the states was to see New Found Glory in Silver Spring, Maryland. The line up was perfect, slow songs, acoustic sets, and all around a good vibe. By the third band, Josh was exhausted. His feet hurt. His back hurt. He just wanted to sit down. In a crowded club, that's hard to do. I took him over to the side of the bar, where he proceeded to sit down on the ground. I was standing off to the side when I see a girl approach Josh. Josh will tell you that "she wasn't bad looking" and I will agree. But she smelled like a walking bottle of Jack Daniels. She spotted Josh sitting on the floor and asked him if everything was okay. Assuming he was just as drunk as her, she sat next to him to start up a conversation. Still standing off to the side, I wanted to see how this played out. She inched closer and closer to my husband, getting a little more friendlier by the minute. I have never experienced my husband getting hit on. We are usually out with friends or together so much people just stay away. My poor husband was SO uncomfortable. I decided to relieve him of the situation and walked up, which he promptly introduced me as his wife. Immediately she shot up and shook my hand. Started some small talk and when I turned around, she was gone. We never saw her again after that, I assumed she got to drunk and passed out some where. We enjoyed the show. I danced and screamed at the top of my lungs...Josh pretended he didn't know me from the comfort of the floor. I lost my voice, my purse broke, and my ears were ringing for days but I was on cloud nine that I was able to experience a concert of my all time favorite band with my husband.

The second concert we went to was a band that we both like, Cartel. I have seen them once before, then we saw them together in Italy our first year of living there. They put on an great concert. This year is their first albums 10 year anniversary, so of course we were going. Like the last concert, the line up was good. This venue was in downtown Baltimore, hello city driving! After me having a panic attack getting through the city, we got to the place with 10 minutes to spare before the first act. The last concert we took bottles of water in, having absolutely no problems. This one, I thought would be the same. They took our tickets but didn't check my backpack. Oh well, right? Maybe they just don't care what we bring in. We got into the place and went to the bar so Josh could take his pills. After he took them, a security guard came up to us and told us we had to step outside. I thought to my self "Oh well, here we go.." Once outside he looked in my bag, took the three water bottles I brought and threw them away. I was pissed. I kept saying "He needs those. He has cancer. He has to take pills." Nothing changed this guys mind. Oh well, I told Josh to drink as much as he could and we went back inside. Within a few minutes, the same security guard came up to us and gave us three free bottles of water! I was floored! Here I thought he was just an asshole. Yes, he was doing his job. but once again..it's just water! Through out the entire night he kept checking in on us and kept offering us water. I guess I need to be not quick to just write someone off, they might surprise you. The concert kicked off. We were pretty close to the stage, behind these two girls that had started drinking well before the concert. They were already drunk. Based on his last experience (and his confidence boost) Josh turned to me and said "I bet you one of those girls is going to hit on me tonight." I shook my head, oh honey you are so humble! By the second band, Josh was exhausted. Did I mention he was on his second day of Chemo?! Oh yes, we are THAT crazy! Instead of sitting on the floor though, my husband would plant his happy butt in a brand new camping chair that we bought earlier that day. It folds up to two separate pieces that are small enough to fit in a back pack, how cool is that? We got a lot of looks. I kept telling Josh that those people were just jealous that they didn't think to bring their own chairs. So he sat down for a majority of the concert, which was fine by me..I danced and screamed my lungs out. Between the last band and Cartel, we were sitting by the bar and low and behold, guess who walks up to my husband?! Ms. Drunk girl herself! She introduced herself to the both of us and bent down to talk to Josh. I couldn't hear much of what they were talking about and honestly, I didn't really care. I know she asked him if he thought she could get back to see the band and for some reason, she asked him his age. She started touching his leg, getting more and more comfortable with him. I was about to say something, when just like the last girl, she disappeared! Josh almost died of laughter. I have no idea who she thought he was, I assumed a security guard..he was sitting down in front of a room that had curtains around it..little did she know he was doing nothing but sitting in front of room that had bar stools behind it! Needless to say, my humble husband's confidence has gone through the roof. He has been hit on twice in the past month. I will not steel his thunder by reiterating how incredibly drunk these girls were, but merely laugh whenever he brings it up (which since then has been brought up on a daily basis!). The concert was great, like I thought it would be. Josh and I had a great time!

Along with concerts, we also had a chance to meet some of the players from the Washington Nationals! It was apart of their USO tour and we received a text earlier that morning from our Navy Liaison telling us about it. We were able to get a free hat and walk around to meet some of the players. I'll be the first one to admit it, I don't really like baseball. I love going to the games, but I don't follow it and I definitely had no idea who any of these guys were. My dad gave me a few players to see if I could find, but instead I just walked around and asked for random autographs! They actually do their spring training in Viera, which is near my home town. I grew up going to the stadium they do their training at, so it was cool to talk to some of them about the area. They were all really nice guys, they all signed our hat and actually talked to us. I have done meet and greets in the past where they just sign things and pass you on to the next person. They act like they don't want to be there, or that we should feel grateful that they are taking time out of their busy day to meet with us. Not these guys, and not the people we get to meet through this base. Every single person we have met, from football players, to Bradley Cooper, have taken an interest in us. They never ask us why we are here, they don't need to know that. Instead the ask what branch he is in, how long he has served, where we grew up, how long we have been married etc etc etc. It makes me happy to see my husband light up when he meets someone famous! Now if any of you guys have any connections to Stan Lee, or Marvel in general, send it my way. I have a devoted fan who would literally shit a brick if he was to meet them!

Within our awesome month, Josh also started session number 5 of Chemotherapy of Tuesday. His blood work came back normal this time, so we are slightly back on schedule. He hasn't been sleeping much, but we have a consultation this week for a sleep study. Hopefully they can help us and figure out what to do next. He celebrated his 7 month smoke free as well, yay! Josh has also been going to a class that is to help improve his memory and life management skills. This has been going on for about a month. We have a hard time with Josh remembering what pills to take and when to take them, so I handle it. He has a hard time organizing appointment times, so I do it. The added stress of taking care of not only myself, but him as well has overwhelmed me more days than I can count. I was at my breaking point. His doctor enrolled him into this class. Is it a complete turn around? No. Is he back to his old self, remembering important things and taking control of things? No. But he is getting there. We have always had a 70/30 marriage, where he takes care of more things than I do. It's the military in him, he has always taken care of the banking account, insurance, and anything else important. Since diagnoses it's flipped, it's become a 90/10 with me taking care of everything. Now it's getting easier, I can get him to take care of his own pills, his own appointments, and he is able to have a complete conversation without forgetting what he was talking about. Slowly, everyday, I see my husband coming back to me. Slowly he is shedding the weight of the diagnoses and accepting what he life has become. Slowly we are becoming the couple I am proud to be apart of. It's a process, but we are making it.

Normalicy...

Since being diagnosed, the word "normal" hasn't been something to describe our life. In the past few months, our life was completely flipped upside down and we were left to put the pieces back together. We have developed our new normal. We have formulated routines. Medication has been evened out. The seizures have stopped. We are able to go out in town and not be constantly worried about medical issues that may arise. I hate to say it, but I have become comfortable with hospital visits, doctors prying into our lives, and just the overall medical world. Our normal is a new kind of normal, something that most people don't experience. Something that most people won't have to for a very long time. In some ways, I am proud of our new normal. I am proud of where we are now versus where we were a few months ago. I am proud of the struggles we have been through and the obstacles we have overcome. We are not perfect and it's all been trial and error. But I look back at the people we were a few months ago and I can't help but feel anything but pride. We are making it through this, one day at a time. We are stronger people. We are a stronger couple. We are more compassionate towards each other. We take time during the day to just lay next to each other and talk. We talk about anything, everything, and nothing all at the same time. We are slowly getting back to the couple we were and slowly shedding the negative things we used to do. I feel as if this whole situation is molding us into the people and couple we should be.

Round 4 of chemotherapy is complete! Josh's lab work finally came back normal last Tuesday and we were able to start that night. I hate chemo week. I know it's something he has to do and right now it's saving his life, but I HATE it. In the beginning, it was the week where I was constantly worried, was constantly on edge, and lacking the most sleep. Any noise or movement he made during the night I was up and ready to take him to the hospital. By the third session I had calmed down enough to allow him to actually sleep through the night without me worrying about the small movements he makes. I guess it should be known that we don't sleep in the same bed right now. I know, I know! How can that be?! I always looked confused at couples who said they do this and think, HA that will never be us. Well, two months into doing this and I realize that not only is it great for us (Hello so much space in the bed!) but it's good for him. All amount of being a deep sleeper is gone for him. He sleeps in total 3-4 hours a night. Mixed in with me moving and what not during the night, he would get 1-2 hours. So since we have the spare room, we decided it was best to do this. I'm not saying he sleeps like a baby now without me in there, but he at least get's some sleep which is good. All of this adds into hell week, I mean chemo week. I'm not right next to him, I'm down the hall in the spare room. I can't randomly wake up in the middle of the night, roll over, and just check to see if he still breathing. Yes I am creepy like that, haha. As far as chemo goes, he's only been sick the first session. Like I have said in past blogs, they have found the right anti-nausea medication for him.

This session was SO good. In the past, he would sleep all day, be very lethargic, and moody as all get out. This session, he was almost..dare I say it..normal?! The whole time I kept saying "don't say this is going good, you'll just jinx it." I was literally waiting for the day when chemo symptoms would hit. He was tired, but no where near what he did in the past. He actually took his E6 advancement exam on Thursday. I was dreading it because I thought he would be to tired or nauseous to do it. I thought that I would have to push him in his wheel chair and explain it to the Chiefs giving the test that he may get sick during it. Nope. None of that happened! He woke up, had breakfast, got dressed, walked to the test site, and took the test in uniform! I was so proud to see him in uniform again, he looked so happy. We won't know the results for awhile, but I'm kinda interested to see how he did compared to a few months ago. We were told that he could sign a wavier to not take the test due to chemo brain, but Josh said he didn't want to do that. He isn't to concerned with advancement, what's the point of wearing it if he can't actively be one. But I think deep down inside he wants to prove himself. He doesn't want the cancer to be the thing keeping him from taking the test. He want's to be treated like every other Sailor, something that I can completely understand. After seeing him act this way, I figured I would go ahead and splurge on some hockey tickets for Saturdays game.

I never thought in a million years that two kids from Florida would love hockey as much as we do!
We have been to four games over the season and are planning on more before the season ends. This game was at noon, which I was grateful for as he could still go and do his chemo at night. He was tired on the train ride there, but once he got in his seats, he was ready to go. He loves the game, he really gets into it. He was screaming along with everyone else. Whenever things got heated between the players, Josh would scream "Drop your gloves!!" so loud that I swear those who were watching it on TV could hear it. I was dumbfounded that this person sitting next to me screaming like a mad man was the same person who would go home and take his chemotherapy. He was so normal, so like himself. In that moment, I had my husband back. For three hours, I was able to not be the caregiver, but I was the wife. The hockey fan. The girl embarrassed because her husband was being a devoted fan. The Capitals lost, but that didn't matter much to us, we had fun. Yes, the tickets are expensive. But who cares?! It's moments like that I will remember for ever, the memories that will last a life time. I honestly have no idea what we are going to do when hockey season is over, I guess we will find another sport to fall in love with!

On a holy crap that is a thing moment, I just passed 2,000 views on this blog! I am completely amazed. I know it's just family, friends and whoever shares this with others but I am blown away at how many views I have, I didn't set out to do that. When that book deal comes my way, I will remember all of those who have supported us along the way. For that, I leave you with the most updated picture of Josh's hair. Don't freak, he actually had to get a hair cut! He wasn't in Navy standards, haha!

 Now all he has to do is work on connecting one side to the other, haha