Florida Livin'

Surprise! Well, okay, it's no longer a surprise as we have already gone to Florida and came back but it was a surprise to both of our Mom's for Mothers Day! A week prior, yes, A WEEK prior, Josh and I decided to make a spontaneous trip town to Florida for a week of leave. Since it was the weekend of Mother's Day, we thought it would be awesome to surprise our moms. I have never been in the position to do it, but Josh has done his fair share of surprise homecomings. We left Maryland on Friday, flew into Orlando and rented a car down to Palm Bay. The only people who knew we were going home was my brother and sister-in-law (thanks guys for keeping the secret!) so we were extremely anxious the entire flight. We decided to surprise my mom at work. We told her that she was having her Mother's Day gift delivered. We walked in and she was completely stunned. Once she realized that I was actually there, she started bawling! It was a complete success! We then drove to his parents house and had another successful surprise from his mom. She was completely speechless, haha. I am happy we were able to pull of the surpise, it was incredibly hard lying to my parents, especially when they call every day to check in on us. But I love being home. We grew up in the same town, so it's definitely home to the both of us. A lot of people hate it. A lot of people can't wait to get out. Back in high school both of us couldn't wait to leave. Josh joined the Navy at 19 so he could leave. I stayed behind, did college and once that was over, I was ready to leave. But I'll tell you from first hand experience, nothing beats being home when you've been away from it for so long. Nothing beats being back in the house you grew up in, especially when you're parents haven't changed a single thing about the room you grew up in. There is a sense of comfort, being surrounded by your personal things and the memories made in there. The house I grew up in is literally the only place in the world that I feel completely at ease in. It's comforting knowing my Mom is right down the hall. I don't care how old I get, I will always need my mom.

It's nice to be able to cuddle with my dog, who has adjusted well living with his

grandparents, lol. Lucky for us, the house was empty this time home. It was just my mom, Josh, and I until my Dad came home that Wednesday. It was nice and relaxing. We had no plans. No places to go. No doctors. No appointments. No Chemotherapy. Nothing. We went to the beach when we wanted. We went fishing when we wanted. We were able to spend time with people we haven't seen in so long. I was able to get a break from care-giving by leaving Josh with his parents so I could treat my mom and other mother, Dawn to manicures and pedicures for Mothers Day.  I was even able to let loose and have a drink at dinner, which is something I haven't been able to do in a VERY long time! My sensitive, pale, northerner skin got really burnt by the Florida sun, but it was another reason that reminded me why I love being home. Being home reconfirmed our decision to move back after our time in Maryland is done. We even drove around a couple times to look at houses! I am excited for what our future holds!

 

Coming back home on Thursday threw us back into reality. We had to get back to the appointments. To the doctors. To the Chemotherapy. To the reality that we are still in the process of fighting this cancer. Yesterday we spent the entire day in the hospital, we had back to back to back appointments. It started with us meeting our new Primary Care Doctor. He's the guy we go to for general things and we were there to have them look at a few growths Josh has developed on his inner thighs. With chemotherapy, you have to be extremely careful. Any new symptoms, any new growths on his body, anything new it HAS to be shown to someone. He suggested we show it to Josh's oncologist, which is the next appointment we were going to. While here, we found out Josh's MRI came back normal! No new growth and the tumor is stable. His blood work came back low though, so for this week Chemotherapy is on hold. I am no longer surprised when our "schedule" is no longer a schedule. Chemotherapy for him can be moved around and it can be delayed so he doesn't always line up with the previous date from the last month. I assume as long as he gets his dose for the month, he will be okay. The oncologist assured us that the blood work being low isn't a result of something we are doing. It's normal, affects of the chemotherapy. So we will retest next week and hopefully he will be cleared to take it. We then went to Dermatology afterwards and they basically stated that the growths between his legs are an infection within the hair follicles. FUN! We now have to apply medicated body wash to his entire body and let it sit for a few minutes every day for the next three months. I swear, it's always something! In happy news, Josh is 8 months smoke free. I am so happy for him and proud that he has made such a huge commitment to it. He is almost to the point now where being around smokers disgust him, haha. That is something I never thought I would hear him say!

To end this blog, I figured I would share that today marks our 11 year togetherversary! I know many people think it's stupid to celebrate our "dating" anniversary considering we're married now but HELLO 11 years is something to celebrate! Especially since we started dating in high school, haha. I am lucky everyday to say that I married my prom date. Here are some pictures of young Josh and Jenna!

My husband still has "it"

There are many moments that will forever be held in my heart. 

The moment Josh asked me to be his girlfriend. 

The moment that I fell in love with him and knew I was going to marry him. 

The moment he asked me to be his wife in the backyard of my parents house. 

The moment when I became his wife in front of our friends and family on the cruise ship. 

The moment we got Archie. 

The moment Josh was diagnosed.  

And now, the moment I witnessed my husband getting hit on for the first time!

After finishing his March chemo session with flying colors, we were anxious for what April held. We had gone a little crazy and bought concert tickets for two different shows, two weeks apart. We are ambitious (or stupid) about making our life seem normal. When we were in Italy, we vowed each other that if a concert came up we both wanted to go to (or if we wanted to drag the other to), we would buy tickets and go. We love concerts, I dance around and sing at the top of my lungs and Josh acts like he doesn't know me. It's a great experience for us both. We asked his Neuro Oncologist and he said it was okay as long as I kept Josh out of the mosh pit (uh duh) and that if there were a ton of lights, Josh looked away. Easy peasy. Our first concert back in the states was to see New Found Glory in Silver Spring, Maryland. The line up was perfect, slow songs, acoustic sets, and all around a good vibe. By the third band, Josh was exhausted. His feet hurt. His back hurt. He just wanted to sit down. In a crowded club, that's hard to do. I took him over to the side of the bar, where he proceeded to sit down on the ground. I was standing off to the side when I see a girl approach Josh. Josh will tell you that "she wasn't bad looking" and I will agree. But she smelled like a walking bottle of Jack Daniels. She spotted Josh sitting on the floor and asked him if everything was okay. Assuming he was just as drunk as her, she sat next to him to start up a conversation. Still standing off to the side, I wanted to see how this played out. She inched closer and closer to my husband, getting a little more friendlier by the minute. I have never experienced my husband getting hit on. We are usually out with friends or together so much people just stay away. My poor husband was SO uncomfortable. I decided to relieve him of the situation and walked up, which he promptly introduced me as his wife. Immediately she shot up and shook my hand. Started some small talk and when I turned around, she was gone. We never saw her again after that, I assumed she got to drunk and passed out some where. We enjoyed the show. I danced and screamed at the top of my lungs...Josh pretended he didn't know me from the comfort of the floor. I lost my voice, my purse broke, and my ears were ringing for days but I was on cloud nine that I was able to experience a concert of my all time favorite band with my husband.

The second concert we went to was a band that we both like, Cartel. I have seen them once before, then we saw them together in Italy our first year of living there. They put on an great concert. This year is their first albums 10 year anniversary, so of course we were going. Like the last concert, the line up was good. This venue was in downtown Baltimore, hello city driving! After me having a panic attack getting through the city, we got to the place with 10 minutes to spare before the first act. The last concert we took bottles of water in, having absolutely no problems. This one, I thought would be the same. They took our tickets but didn't check my backpack. Oh well, right? Maybe they just don't care what we bring in. We got into the place and went to the bar so Josh could take his pills. After he took them, a security guard came up to us and told us we had to step outside. I thought to my self "Oh well, here we go.." Once outside he looked in my bag, took the three water bottles I brought and threw them away. I was pissed. I kept saying "He needs those. He has cancer. He has to take pills." Nothing changed this guys mind. Oh well, I told Josh to drink as much as he could and we went back inside. Within a few minutes, the same security guard came up to us and gave us three free bottles of water! I was floored! Here I thought he was just an asshole. Yes, he was doing his job. but once again..it's just water! Through out the entire night he kept checking in on us and kept offering us water. I guess I need to be not quick to just write someone off, they might surprise you. The concert kicked off. We were pretty close to the stage, behind these two girls that had started drinking well before the concert. They were already drunk. Based on his last experience (and his confidence boost) Josh turned to me and said "I bet you one of those girls is going to hit on me tonight." I shook my head, oh honey you are so humble! By the second band, Josh was exhausted. Did I mention he was on his second day of Chemo?! Oh yes, we are THAT crazy! Instead of sitting on the floor though, my husband would plant his happy butt in a brand new camping chair that we bought earlier that day. It folds up to two separate pieces that are small enough to fit in a back pack, how cool is that? We got a lot of looks. I kept telling Josh that those people were just jealous that they didn't think to bring their own chairs. So he sat down for a majority of the concert, which was fine by me..I danced and screamed my lungs out. Between the last band and Cartel, we were sitting by the bar and low and behold, guess who walks up to my husband?! Ms. Drunk girl herself! She introduced herself to the both of us and bent down to talk to Josh. I couldn't hear much of what they were talking about and honestly, I didn't really care. I know she asked him if he thought she could get back to see the band and for some reason, she asked him his age. She started touching his leg, getting more and more comfortable with him. I was about to say something, when just like the last girl, she disappeared! Josh almost died of laughter. I have no idea who she thought he was, I assumed a security guard..he was sitting down in front of a room that had curtains around it..little did she know he was doing nothing but sitting in front of room that had bar stools behind it! Needless to say, my humble husband's confidence has gone through the roof. He has been hit on twice in the past month. I will not steel his thunder by reiterating how incredibly drunk these girls were, but merely laugh whenever he brings it up (which since then has been brought up on a daily basis!). The concert was great, like I thought it would be. Josh and I had a great time!

Along with concerts, we also had a chance to meet some of the players from the Washington Nationals! It was apart of their USO tour and we received a text earlier that morning from our Navy Liaison telling us about it. We were able to get a free hat and walk around to meet some of the players. I'll be the first one to admit it, I don't really like baseball. I love going to the games, but I don't follow it and I definitely had no idea who any of these guys were. My dad gave me a few players to see if I could find, but instead I just walked around and asked for random autographs! They actually do their spring training in Viera, which is near my home town. I grew up going to the stadium they do their training at, so it was cool to talk to some of them about the area. They were all really nice guys, they all signed our hat and actually talked to us. I have done meet and greets in the past where they just sign things and pass you on to the next person. They act like they don't want to be there, or that we should feel grateful that they are taking time out of their busy day to meet with us. Not these guys, and not the people we get to meet through this base. Every single person we have met, from football players, to Bradley Cooper, have taken an interest in us. They never ask us why we are here, they don't need to know that. Instead the ask what branch he is in, how long he has served, where we grew up, how long we have been married etc etc etc. It makes me happy to see my husband light up when he meets someone famous! Now if any of you guys have any connections to Stan Lee, or Marvel in general, send it my way. I have a devoted fan who would literally shit a brick if he was to meet them!

Within our awesome month, Josh also started session number 5 of Chemotherapy of Tuesday. His blood work came back normal this time, so we are slightly back on schedule. He hasn't been sleeping much, but we have a consultation this week for a sleep study. Hopefully they can help us and figure out what to do next. He celebrated his 7 month smoke free as well, yay! Josh has also been going to a class that is to help improve his memory and life management skills. This has been going on for about a month. We have a hard time with Josh remembering what pills to take and when to take them, so I handle it. He has a hard time organizing appointment times, so I do it. The added stress of taking care of not only myself, but him as well has overwhelmed me more days than I can count. I was at my breaking point. His doctor enrolled him into this class. Is it a complete turn around? No. Is he back to his old self, remembering important things and taking control of things? No. But he is getting there. We have always had a 70/30 marriage, where he takes care of more things than I do. It's the military in him, he has always taken care of the banking account, insurance, and anything else important. Since diagnoses it's flipped, it's become a 90/10 with me taking care of everything. Now it's getting easier, I can get him to take care of his own pills, his own appointments, and he is able to have a complete conversation without forgetting what he was talking about. Slowly, everyday, I see my husband coming back to me. Slowly he is shedding the weight of the diagnoses and accepting what he life has become. Slowly we are becoming the couple I am proud to be apart of. It's a process, but we are making it.

Normalicy...

Since being diagnosed, the word "normal" hasn't been something to describe our life. In the past few months, our life was completely flipped upside down and we were left to put the pieces back together. We have developed our new normal. We have formulated routines. Medication has been evened out. The seizures have stopped. We are able to go out in town and not be constantly worried about medical issues that may arise. I hate to say it, but I have become comfortable with hospital visits, doctors prying into our lives, and just the overall medical world. Our normal is a new kind of normal, something that most people don't experience. Something that most people won't have to for a very long time. In some ways, I am proud of our new normal. I am proud of where we are now versus where we were a few months ago. I am proud of the struggles we have been through and the obstacles we have overcome. We are not perfect and it's all been trial and error. But I look back at the people we were a few months ago and I can't help but feel anything but pride. We are making it through this, one day at a time. We are stronger people. We are a stronger couple. We are more compassionate towards each other. We take time during the day to just lay next to each other and talk. We talk about anything, everything, and nothing all at the same time. We are slowly getting back to the couple we were and slowly shedding the negative things we used to do. I feel as if this whole situation is molding us into the people and couple we should be.

Round 4 of chemotherapy is complete! Josh's lab work finally came back normal last Tuesday and we were able to start that night. I hate chemo week. I know it's something he has to do and right now it's saving his life, but I HATE it. In the beginning, it was the week where I was constantly worried, was constantly on edge, and lacking the most sleep. Any noise or movement he made during the night I was up and ready to take him to the hospital. By the third session I had calmed down enough to allow him to actually sleep through the night without me worrying about the small movements he makes. I guess it should be known that we don't sleep in the same bed right now. I know, I know! How can that be?! I always looked confused at couples who said they do this and think, HA that will never be us. Well, two months into doing this and I realize that not only is it great for us (Hello so much space in the bed!) but it's good for him. All amount of being a deep sleeper is gone for him. He sleeps in total 3-4 hours a night. Mixed in with me moving and what not during the night, he would get 1-2 hours. So since we have the spare room, we decided it was best to do this. I'm not saying he sleeps like a baby now without me in there, but he at least get's some sleep which is good. All of this adds into hell week, I mean chemo week. I'm not right next to him, I'm down the hall in the spare room. I can't randomly wake up in the middle of the night, roll over, and just check to see if he still breathing. Yes I am creepy like that, haha. As far as chemo goes, he's only been sick the first session. Like I have said in past blogs, they have found the right anti-nausea medication for him.

This session was SO good. In the past, he would sleep all day, be very lethargic, and moody as all get out. This session, he was almost..dare I say it..normal?! The whole time I kept saying "don't say this is going good, you'll just jinx it." I was literally waiting for the day when chemo symptoms would hit. He was tired, but no where near what he did in the past. He actually took his E6 advancement exam on Thursday. I was dreading it because I thought he would be to tired or nauseous to do it. I thought that I would have to push him in his wheel chair and explain it to the Chiefs giving the test that he may get sick during it. Nope. None of that happened! He woke up, had breakfast, got dressed, walked to the test site, and took the test in uniform! I was so proud to see him in uniform again, he looked so happy. We won't know the results for awhile, but I'm kinda interested to see how he did compared to a few months ago. We were told that he could sign a wavier to not take the test due to chemo brain, but Josh said he didn't want to do that. He isn't to concerned with advancement, what's the point of wearing it if he can't actively be one. But I think deep down inside he wants to prove himself. He doesn't want the cancer to be the thing keeping him from taking the test. He want's to be treated like every other Sailor, something that I can completely understand. After seeing him act this way, I figured I would go ahead and splurge on some hockey tickets for Saturdays game.

I never thought in a million years that two kids from Florida would love hockey as much as we do!
We have been to four games over the season and are planning on more before the season ends. This game was at noon, which I was grateful for as he could still go and do his chemo at night. He was tired on the train ride there, but once he got in his seats, he was ready to go. He loves the game, he really gets into it. He was screaming along with everyone else. Whenever things got heated between the players, Josh would scream "Drop your gloves!!" so loud that I swear those who were watching it on TV could hear it. I was dumbfounded that this person sitting next to me screaming like a mad man was the same person who would go home and take his chemotherapy. He was so normal, so like himself. In that moment, I had my husband back. For three hours, I was able to not be the caregiver, but I was the wife. The hockey fan. The girl embarrassed because her husband was being a devoted fan. The Capitals lost, but that didn't matter much to us, we had fun. Yes, the tickets are expensive. But who cares?! It's moments like that I will remember for ever, the memories that will last a life time. I honestly have no idea what we are going to do when hockey season is over, I guess we will find another sport to fall in love with!

On a holy crap that is a thing moment, I just passed 2,000 views on this blog! I am completely amazed. I know it's just family, friends and whoever shares this with others but I am blown away at how many views I have, I didn't set out to do that. When that book deal comes my way, I will remember all of those who have supported us along the way. For that, I leave you with the most updated picture of Josh's hair. Don't freak, he actually had to get a hair cut! He wasn't in Navy standards, haha!

 Now all he has to do is work on connecting one side to the other, haha

Stupid Cancer

If anyone has followed my facebook the past few days you have seen a lot of post about my handsome hubby rocking some sweet cancer gear. I got introduced to stupidcancer.org by his support group corrdinator. I noticed, which it isn't hard to see, that Josh has a confidence issue since being diagnosed. He lost his hair. He gained weight. He constantly tells me "I wonder if people wonder what wrong with me. I am not missing a leg. As far as they can tell nothing is wrong. I wonder if they think I shouldn't be here." Many things like this are said to me on a constant basis. We live in an apartment building with many many people missing arms, legs, and even half of their body. So I can understand why my some what healthy looking husband wonders if anyone wonders whats wrong with him. His illness is invisible to those around him. I have even noticed when it comes to the booths set up around the building that hand out free stuff to the wounded warriors. Josh always gets over looked mainly because he isn't constantly in a wheel chair or missing limbs. It breaks my heart when he really wants to do something but they over look him because he looks healthy. They assume everything is okay. After months of noticing this, I couldn't take it anymore. I went online and have found shirts and hats that show support. I don't want my husband to walk around with a big sign saying "Hey look at me, I have cancer." But I want my husband to be treated equally. I want people to not take pity but to realize that just because his illness isn't visible, he is still a wounded warrior and he matters. Today he gained a little bit of confidence.

I have also noticed how, for a lack of better words, much of an asshole some people can be assholes towards him. My husband has NEVER used the cancer card. He will never ask for special treatment. He doesn't believe that anyone owes him something because he has cancer. That's never been him. It's never been me. We just don't do that. But people stare. People stare hard. I honestly think it would be better if they just came up and talked to him. But those people that stare don't have enough guts to do that. We went to a hockey game for our anniversary. Now, I have never had a problem with getting his pills in or a bottle of water. Never had a problem with explaining it was used for medical purposes. Hell, the WHITE HOUSE didn't care. They have four security check points and every single person understood and didn't give me any crap over it. But back to the hockey game. I had a water bottle in my purse, like I have done million times over. The same place that we had just gone to the previous week for a basketball game, took my husband's water bottle and threw it away. I was furious! I explained over and over, he needs it for his pills. He needs it because his weed pills give him dry mouth. And damn it, it's just water! It wasn't opened. It wasn't like I brought a case with me. It was one single bottle and she threw it away. She told me that I had to buy water. All $4.50 for a bottle. A BOTTLE. When I brought in a bottle from my house that was perfectly fine. But no. So after walking away, Josh goes "I really should have used the cancer card." Like I said, my husband is very passive. He avoids conflicts. Me on the other hand, I gave her a piece of my mind. Later that night I was laying in bed thinking how embarrassing it must have been for my 27 year old husband to have his wife fight his battles. I was a little embarrassed (not by much, it wasn't like I cussed her out..though I wish I would have!) and tried to think of a way for him to fight his battles in his passive aggressive ways. 

Behold, the literal cancer card! 

All I can do is laugh. Yes, it's a little crass. But people can be assholes, so why can't he be one too? I had to get a 100 of these suckers made, so you best believe we will be using them! 

One Step At A Time....

March 11th, we celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. Anniversaries mean something to us. As a couple who has been together for almost eleven years, we still celebrate everything. This year was supposed to be different though. He was supposed to going through Chemo on the week of our anniversary and my birthday. We went in for his regular blood work and it came back, once again with low blood count. They had to delay Chemo because if he was to develop an infection, his body would not be able to fight it. His counts were not to low, you're supposed to have 100,000 and Josh was at 70,000. This didn't warrant any concern by his doctor, so we were able to celebrate as planned, just a little frustrated that it was delayed. For our anniversary we went out to dinner with a gift card that was given to us by my parents. Josh took his weed pill and though he ate everything in sight, he also got slap happy high and we had to go home, haha. For my birthday, we went out to Medieval Times, which was fun and he thoroughly enjoyed it. We went back this past Tuesday to re-do his blood work. His red blood cell count came back low, not dangerously low, but they didn't bounce back over the past week. His platelet levels went from being to low to being very high, which they call reactive thrombocytosis which is basically because he has healthy bone marrow that is over correcting for the chemotherapy. They put him on a week worth of baby aspirin that is used to prevent the symptoms of the thrombocytosis. This has put Josh two weeks behind on Chemotherapy, so fingers and toes crossed that we will be able to do cycle four this next Tuesday.

It's frustrating. After reading the email sent to us by his doctor about his current status, I sat in our car and cried. I am helpless. I literally can't do anything to make his levels even out and as someone who has been labeled a control freak, it's hard to accept things I have no control over. Even Josh is annoyed, he's frustrated that he can't get his own levels evened out. It's not something we can control, we know that. But delaying chemo throws our entire month off. We have to shift around appointments. Some appointments can't be moved, so if Chemo happens next week he will be taking his E6 exam in the middle of it. That's life, I guess. Josh has been ordered for a sleep study. Between Chemotherapy, Steroids, and just having a brain tumor, his entire sleep schedule has been out of whack since we arrived here. He did ambien, that did literally NOTHING for him. If I took one, I was out and slept for 10 hours or so. For Josh, he sleeps an hour and is back up for the rest of the night. He tried lunesta, which helps but is a pill you can't take regularly so there are nights when he get's no sleep at all. His doctor explained that it's very common with brain tumors. So we are waiting for the appointment to be made so we can get some more answers.

On to happier and positive news, two things happened this past week. Josh's MRI came back AND he celebrated his six month smoke free anniversary! First off, MRI. He has to do one every time before a chemo session. His MRI came back "normal" as he has no new growth. We were so happy! We realize (and I hope you, my readers, do too) that he will never be tumor free. He will always have this little sucker, but no new growth is good. It's just sitting there, next prayer is for it to start shrinking. As far as the smoking goes, YAY! Josh started smoking in 2009 or so. He is a social smoker, but still needed it at work. He rarely smoked at home, mainly because I can't be around it, also because he rarely needed it. But he was a smoker. By doctors orders he is not considered a non-smoker until six months after quitting, so he's hit that milestone! I do believe that he would take a cigarette right now if it was offered to him, but I think that's everyone who has dealt with an addiction. The even better thing is that he's basically done it cold turkey. He had the gum, only chewed it for a month. He had to stop it because it was making him sick. He switched to the lozenges, hated those. He only did them for a few weeks. He's done the patch, hated that. It was just easier for him to completely quit on his own and not be around those who do smoke. I never thought I would be so proud to say he's a non smoker at doctors appointments, but I am! I am so happy with the changes he made in his life, it makes me a very proud wife.

As far as me, I am still a work in progress. I am changing around therapist now as I couldn't stand the one I have. I do believe that sometimes it's good to shop around for therapist. You shouldn't be afraid to do so. For me, it's all about a comfort level. I have to click with you before I am able to tell you my deepest darkest secrets. I have had two in the past few months. Both of which I didn't click with. One that focused to much on my marriage and making issues that weren't there. And one that focused to much on me emasculating my husband (YES, she said that). I am not looking for a miracle worker. I realize that their job is to help me sort through my problems. But the advice they were offering me was unrealistic for a wife taking care of her husband who has cancer. Her big advice was to go Target by myself. Yes, I am going to leave a seizure prone person in a room by himself so I can go get away for an hour?! Uh no. Her other advice was that my life revolves to much around his cancer. UH EXCUSE ME?! You don't ever tell a mother that her life revolves to much around her child. You don't ever tell a career woman that her life revolves to much around her career. But because my husband has cancer, and I am his main care giver, its wrong that my life revolves to much around him? He is my life. He is my everything. So no, I don't work. I don't go out with friends. I don't go shopping by myself. I can't tell you guys the last time I got my hair cut. My nails are trashed and we won't even go into shaving my legs. Yes, I have let myself go. Before anyone says it, yes I know I have to make time for myself. I have to put my needs in there too and I do. I am merely stating all of this to give everyone an idea. But spend a day in my life where I am constantly caring for another human being and you'll see why. No, he's not in a wheel chair and he doesn't physically depend on me. But I try every day to make sure his days are easy and stress free. So if my house isn't clean. If the dishes aren't done. And if I didn't make it to Target by myself well then that's fine. Because I know my husband is happy. I am happy. And to me that is all that matters!

Love & Basketball

Chemo..Chemo..Chemo..We made it through our third session. For some reason this session was harder to get then in the past. Josh did his blood work the day prior and it came back with low blood cell count. Could have been a minor infection, could have just been the previous chemo. Whatever the reason is, they delayed us a week. We were told to come back to do another blood test and hopefully we will get back on track. We also found out during this time that Josh is anemic, which could be the result of the cancer, the chemotherapy, or Crohns disease. Have I mentioned he has that also?! Yes, he does. He was diagnosed shortly before having the seizures last September. He is currently in remission. Fingers, toes, and all other body parts crossed, it stays away. They decided to put him on Vitamin D and Iron supplements to help treat the anemia. The following week, February 11th, he started his third round of chemo. They have figured out the right regiment of pills for Josh to successfully go through chemo without throwing up and we have formulated a strict schedule to help prevent it as well. It's all trial and error. We have changed medications so many times I am surprised the pharmacy doesn't hate us. However, I am forever grateful for the Oncologist he has and the team behind him.

I mentioned in my last blog how we planned to spend our Valentines day, with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and movies in bed. We decided to splurge a little and actually ordered pizza from our favorite pizza place, but the movies in bed still did happen. He was awake for a couple hours, so we made the best of it. If you would have told past Josh and Jenna that this is how they would have spent their Valentines day, they would have laughed. Josh and I are not ones for going all out on Valentines day, but we do celebrate it. We make an effort of getting dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant and eat over priced food. It's fun and something we have always done. This year, things were different. We weren't the same couple, or even the same people we were last Valentines day. This year, we spent it in bed and then at ten o'clock, I gave my husband his nightly dose of Chemotherapy. It still amazes me how much our lives have changed. It still baffles people that this is our daily routine, that this is our life. All I can say is never take a day for granted. No, we didn't go to an expensive restaurant. No, we didn't shower each other with gifts. Yes, we spent it in our pajamas and in bed. Yes, I picked out my own flowers because my husband can't be left alone and he was in the wheel chair that day. But I spent my 10th Valentines day with my husband. To me, that is a win.

For everyone that is friends with us on Facebook knows that Josh was prescribed medical marijuana! For those who care to know why and how it all happened, continue reading. For those who don't, just know..YAY WEED!

Josh has always loved food. I am in no way exaggerating this, this kid LOVES food. In his list of things he loves in life, I'm sure it goes Food, Me, Archie, and Video Games. I am also in no way pointing out how..plump my husband has become, that of course has been the steroids he has been on for the past five months (that they JUST removed him from a couple weeks ago). No, this is a love story between Josh and food. I can remember so many times in high school where he would eat dinner at his house and the come to mine and eat dinner again. I always called him my bottomless pit because he was just that. Being military, he has been in shape, so this wasn't a problem. Since starting Chemotherapy though, my bottomless pit became a  "I've eating five grapes and I'm full for the rest of the day" kind of person. It was frustrating. I kept pushing food on him. I would make his favorite foods, he would eat a couple of bites and be done. I went out and bought junk food. I figured if he ate that, at least he was eating and that's all I wanted. During Chemo week, he would eat a banana a day. Literally, that was all he was eating. He would maybe (and that's a strong maybe) eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. After Chemo week, you would think he would be stuffing his face, unfortunately that wasn't the case. I pushed food, he rejected. This past session, I mentioned this to the Master Chief in charge of Navy Wounded Safe Harbor, he mentioned getting prescribed weed. This NEVER occurred to me. I mentioned it to my parents, they pushed me to ask his doctor. We were nervous asking for it, he's still active duty so we assumed he would be laughed at and told to just deal with it. We decided to ask his primary care doctor, he's very chill and laid back, figured it was the easiest person to ask. We had a whole scenario planned out, what exactly we were going to say, what our argument would be. We practiced it over and over. We went into the appointment. He asked Josh how he was doing...Josh's answer "ehh, i'm okay. i rarely eat, which I know isn't normal..I have a banana a day and I'm full for the rest of the day..." Doctor: "okay, you want weed?!" Wow, it was SO easy! He wrote the prescription, Josh and I walked out completely relieved and yes, we made a ton of stoner/weed jokes the entire day. We still do. He took his first dose and ate an entire meal. Last night he took two pills (which he is allowed to take up to four a day) and wouldn't stop eating! I was so incredibly proud of him. It is THC in pill form, so he doesn't smoke it. It is purely used to give him the munchies, as it is used to help patients with anorexia. He get's a little high, which is just completely fine by me. He's eating somewhat normal again, he still eats a banana/yogurt every morning. He might pick at lunch. But dinner is where it is at. It's amazing that something so small as just eating would mean the world to me. I get so happy when he finishes the food on his plate, it makes me a very happy wife!


I mentioned in my last blog how I was getting therapy for mental health. I am happy to report things are slowly getting better. I was given some "happy" pills that seem to be doing their job. Josh has seen a difference, I have seen a difference. I am getting therapy once a week and it's a great outlet for me to just verbally dump my problems on someone other than my husband and parents. I am working through it all and though it's taking time and it's mentally exhausting, I am doing better. I am open about it mainly because I feel like no one really is. Depression is something no one wants to talk about, notice, or just deal with. I strive every day to make sure my husband is happy, it took me a while to realize that in that process I wasn't happy. It took me a while to admit it and get help for it. I am a work in progress but I am working on it every day.


On a happier note, Josh and I got tickets to the Washington Wizards vs Detriot Pistions game last night. We love going to sporting events and always take the opportunity to do so. These tickets were given to us from his support group, Young Adults with Cancer. We had a fun time, it's no where near as exciting as hockey but it was fun to try something new!

Glimpse into my world

I remember standing in the bus on the tar-mac in Sicily thinking "how did I get here?!" I knew how I got here physically. I had friends that drove me to the airport. They helped me check in and said goodbye to me at security. But in that moment, I couldn't for the life of me center myself long enough to realize what was actually going on. My husband had been medically evacuated the night before. I was running on three hours of sleep within the past four days. I had to leave my house. My dog. My car. My entire life in Sicily and board a plane to Germany to fly home. I had dreamed about flying home for many months prior. I had started packing up my house. I started getting things together for Archie to fly home with us. Then all of a sudden my entire life flipped on it's side and I was left in the middle of it trying to figure out what to do next.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago I was walking to my NMA (non-medical attendant) meeting. Prior to the meeting I had asked Josh to help me take out the trash, it was like four bags and I couldn't carry it all. In the mist of it all, we had a fight. Yes, about garbage. And yes, it was completely stupid, but I was hurt and walked away. I went into the USO for my meeting and saw his Master Chief. Immediately I broke down. I felt so stupid for doing it. I never cry in front of people, it's just something I don't do. I felt overwhelmed, stressed out, and just plain over it. We have an amazing Master Chief that talked me down and sat with Josh while I went into my NMA meeting. Luckily for me, my meeting consisted of only me and two military family counselors, I had hit the jackpot! I cried. I talked. I laughed. I cried some more. It was three hours of a complete emotional roller coaster. When I left, I felt better. I had finally let it all out. I told someone other than my husband and immediate family all that I was going through and all that was bottled up inside. While I was in my meeting, Master Chief had called an emergency therapy appointment for me the following day. I went. 

The therapist explained to me that I am going through the stages of grief. I am grieving the old life I had. I am grieving the life we had planned to have. I am grieving the pregnancy that we were supposed to be experiencing right now. In a matter of an hour she had put my entire life in perspective. I want it to be known that I in no way shape or form blame Josh. This disease is something that literally came out of no where and knocked us both on our ass. There is no guidelines or instruction manual on how you are supposed to deal with this all. Each person grieves in their own way. For me, it's bottling it all up until I complete crack. For Josh, it's humor, he makes light of situation and tries his hardest to be strong for the both of us. I know a lot of people constantly say, "oh you're handling this so well." or "man, you guys are always so positive" but if they all knew the amount of times during the day I break down and cry they would all be surprised. I'm not here for a pity party, I am just here to show that we are in fact human. I am merely indulging you all on a part of my life that I keep very personal. I sat on the fence for awhile on reasoning how much is to much to share. I have come to the conclusion, that I've already shared a lot. Everyone has read our process with freezing the sperm and fertility so that's enough TMI already. Am I going to share every down moment in my life? No. Am I going to mention every time Josh and I have a fight? No. But I do think it needs to be known that we're not living this Leave it to Beaver life style. We fight. We argue. We cry. We laugh. We make up. And we go on with our lives. This has by far be the most trying thing on not only us but our marriage as well. I take every day with great appreciation, for it is one more day that I have with my husband. I fight with him. I yell at him. I regret doing so more often than I used to, but I am only human. I try hard, really hard in fact to make sure his life is as easy as possible. That he doesn't have to worry about the medications or the appointments. Yes, we spend a lot of time at the movie theater and yes, we have seen pretty much every movie currently out right now. But honestly, please, tell me where else can I take a cancer patient?! He enjoys them. I get a break for a few hours. It's a win win. So to all, let me remind you, there is no manual. There is no guidelines. We are literally flying by the seat of our pants and just praying we are doing it right. Do we mess up? Yes. I often worry about that, but we're making the best out of a crappy situation and I'd say we're doing pretty good.

*Side note* If anyone, and I mean ANYONE is feeling depressed, overwhelmed, or just feel the need to talk it out with someone, please don't be afraid to ask for help. I wasn't to proud to ask for it, I just assumed that I was doing okay and that I didn't need it. Once I started talking, I literally had word vomit and I couldn't stop. It's so freeing to finally be able to tell someone something that you have kept bottled up inside. So please, don't be afraid to ask for help when help is needed! 

On to a more relevant topic, Josh has been delayed Chemotherapy by a week. He had blood work done on Tuesday that reveled his blood cell count was low. It could be caused by an infection or just the chemotherapy itself. We decided to wait a week and redo his blood work. For now we are planning a chemo friendly Valentines day dinner consisting on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and movie night in bed :)